For five minutes in November, time stands still as the John Lewis Christmas advert makes its debut onto our television screens and almost breaks the Internet in the process.
I say five minutes; the ad lasts for about two (two minutes, ten seconds in this case). But for approximately three minutes after, viewers try and get their heads around what they've just witnessed.
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Social media picks up the discussion and John Lewis bosses sit back as they watch their sales dramatically take off ahead of the festive season.
It's an incredible feat of advertising, a staple of British culture, poignant and affirming. And, furthermore, you're all fucking stupid.
£20 for a colander. Are you an actual moron? Want to buy a chopping board you can get for a third the price at TK Maxx but tell everyone 'yes, I bought it at John Lewis'? Course you do, you phony bourgeoisie scumbag.
What are you doing with your life? Why do you fall for some dickhead on a moon or something to do with a snowman or woodland creatures. (To be fair, though, last year's advert did collaborate with AGE UK, so some good comes out of it).
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And here's this year's ad.
Are you ready? Gift cards at the ready...
Here it is:
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Video credit: John Lewis
Has that enriched your life? Will you be going over to buy some kitchen utensils for three times the price it is worth?
To be fair, it's pretty cute, and not as depressing as last year. It's a cover on 'One Day I'll Fly Away', performed by British band Vaults. The song was originally sang by Randy Crawford and some of you may even remember Nicole Kidman doing a number on it in Moulin Rouge too. The dog, known as Buster, has a great time of it on the new trampoline, which is much better than the bed she was bouncing on before.
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Do you now aspire to go there with your three little munchkins after partaking in a mulled wine? Yeah, that's what they want. It's your fault capitalism wins; it's your fault there's bad in world. Global warming is all on you.
Featured image credit: John Lewis
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