When I go into Greggs hazy-eyed in the morning for my £2 breakfast deal do I ask Linda behind the counter for a 'sausage roll'? Absolutely not. Because Linda would hand me a lukewarm, processed sausage wrapped in puff pastry, and rightly so. Our Linda knows the score. Even though it says 'sausage roll' and 'bacon roll' on the advertising boards in Greggs, Linda is not giving in to this Tory propaganda.
When I was a late-teen and was living at home with my mum did I go downstairs after a heavy night and ask her for a bacon muffin? Did I fuck. Because you put chocolate chips in your muffins, not bacon. Anyone calling a barm a muffin needs to have a good sit down and think about what they're actually doing with their lives. They probably iron their socks and stick their dicks in pigs' mouths after they've had a few too many sherries at an 'initiation party' only to regret it later in life.
When I go into my local Spar and can't find the barms do I ask Simon the shelf stacker where the 'bin lids' are? Nope. Because he'd look at me like I pissed on his cat and say: "we don't sell bin lids, you fucking tool". Because Simon is no mug. He's a man of the people. He and Linda often have good banter about how people sometimes call barm cakes 'muffins' and how they were probably exposed to high levels of croquet in a previous life.
Don't you dare get bacon with these; Image Credit: Creative Commons
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According to a survey by the good people at Manchester University, there's actually 18 different terms for a barm cake, but it's factual information that 17 of these terms are wrong, and if you say otherwise you're a complete and utter muffin.
Some people in Liverpool apparently call a barm cake a 'nudger'. I was born in Liverpool and I've never heard so much nonsense in my life. A nudger is somebody on a dance floor in a shoddy nightclub who can't keep to their own space and keeps bumping into you and knocking your flat JD and Coke onto the already sticky, alcohol-eroded deck.
I hope you're sat down for this next one because it's going to blow your mind. Some people across the UK and Ireland actually call them 'Kaiser rolls'. I can hear you shouting 'bollocks' at your screen right now, but I shit you not, my friend. Kaiser rolls... Let that sink in. Correct me if I'm wrong but to my knowledge 'Kaiser' is the German word for 'Emperor', or alternatively half the name of a mediocre band who may or may not have predicted all those riots we had in London in 2011.
Not to be confused with a roll; Image Credit: PA Images
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The second most popular term on the list is 'bap' with a ridiculous 18 percent. Just no. A bap is something you hear Tony shouting at the football after he's had a few too many pints of Foster's (other shite lagers are available). I think the saying goes "get your baps out for the lads" and even though that chant itself is worse than putting a toothpick under your big toenail and kicking a wall, it's slightly more acceptable than calling a barm a 'bap'.
I respect you for staying with me up to this point, and some of you may be thinking: "what about a bun?" Well, stop thinking that. I simply need to refer to the official dictionary definition of 'bun' to prove you wrong:
That says 'a hairstyle in which the hair is drawn back into a tight coil at the back of the head' when it should actually say 'a hairstyle that guys should stop trying to pull off'.
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So, looking at the facts and findings above, the only conclusion we can all come to is that a barm cake is called a barm cake. Don't even get me started on 'teacake'.
Featured Image Credit: Creative Commons
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