A paranoid American lad, who I can only assume is going to get dumped pretty soon, has sent the most controlling text I've ever read to his girlfriend who is heading off to college in September.
Look mate, if you can't trust her, maybe you're better without her anyway.
These rules are so ridiculous that I'm going to have to break them down bit-by-bit, just to point out their absurdity.
I'm guessing that the whole 'Hot Stud Muffin' is all bullshit.
First up, he tells her: "NO BOYS. NO DRINKING. NO BOYS. [NO] DRINKING. NO BOYS. NO DRINKING. Please be smart alright. I know you will dang it but please be smart."
To be fair he's got a fair point about 'no boys', although the caps locks are a bit over the top, but 'no drinking'? Are you off your fucking nut mate? She's off to uni, of course she's going to be getting pissed, that's at least 50% of what university / college is all about.
Could his rules get anymore stupid? Well check out what he has to say next.
He says: "This is really hard for me because I've always been a tremendously good person and have never gone to a party. When I text you, you are to answer. The party is not and will not ever be more important than me. You better know what you are doing."
First off this guy is clearly a bit of a dweeb, parties are absolutely lit and there's nothing good about 'never going to a party' at 18 you should be going to as many parties as humanly possible. I'm surprised he's even got a girlfriend in the first place if he's not into parties.
Then he goes in with the controlling shit saying 'when I text you, you are to answer'. Look she's not at your every beck and call mate, she's allowed to give it 10 minutes before texting back, especially if she's at some sick party discussing her favourite bands with Brad - or whatever guy from the dorm next door who (lets face it) she's moving onto after you.
Anyway, next up he says: "Please don't do anything to ruin us. I know you won't but a reminder never hurt. Around 9:30 text me when you'll be home. Have fun. I love you bunches."
It's great you love her, fair enough. But expecting her home by half-nine at night, she's out drinking and partying (and probably snogging blokes) she can't be home by half-nine if she's doing that can she, fella?
Which brings me to the last part of his note: "I don't know why I allow this but whatever go. NO BOYS. NO DRINKING. And I love you. And you're calling me tonight and I'm getting every detail."
Do you really want to hear every detail mate, I'm not sure you do, because something's telling me that this girls a partier, a drinker and she's going to be cosying up with all the hot guys in her dorm.
Ignorance is bliss mate, ignorance is bliss.
Words by James Dawson