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'Wibbo' Goes On A Tattooing Rampage And Brands Women Like 'Heinz Beans'

'Wibbo' Goes On A Tattooing Rampage And Brands Women Like 'Heinz Beans'

Kourtney Leigh must be a lucky lady.

Ian Moore

Ian Moore

Broadly speaking, the world's population can be boxed off into two categories: those honest, hard-working folks who simply want to crack on with life, get a few cheeky Friday pints in and generally have a bit of a larf, and then there's those who, in contrast, have this all-consuming need to brand their partners "like Heinz Beans."

Ryan 'Wibbo' Wibberly, 23, actually falls into the latter demographic.

According to the Mirror, Wibbo, father to three children (which, if looked at from another angle, means he's legally responsible AND perhaps even some sort of role model for three actual human beings), recently, (his words not mine), "got pissed" and decided to employ his amateur tattoo skills, as well as what I assume is his award-winning bellendery, to permanently doodle his name across his poor girlfriend's forehead.

Like a Rembrandt. Credit: Facebook

In a brutally honest attempt to explain the logic behind using his significant other's face as a sort of human notepad, he proudly stated, "I've branded her like Heinz Beans."

If you happen to be unfamiliar with the product in question, it's a rather iconic can of white beans in sugary tomato sauce. A peripheral, lower-tier staple of the much beloved meat-orgy that is a British fry-up breakfast.

Top branding. Credit: PA

Kourtney Leigh, Wibbo's lucky lady-cum-beancan, seemingly agreed to the facial rebrand because her boyfriend was a tad "paranoid" and believed it might "put other men off." Credit where credit's due, he's probably right. I certainly wouldn't feel particularly comfortable staring longingly into my fiancée's eyes if she happened to have ol' Wibbo's John Hancock protruding from her brows.

Worryingly, this isn't the first time he's been at it either. The Stoke-on-Trent serial-signaturist claims to have employed this territorial pissing tactic on no less than 38 occasions. That's 38 times where someone has actively agreed to letting Ryan exercise his unique personal brand-marketing capabilities on their very own mug. How on earth, you may ask? Well, either he's Stoke's answer to Derren Brown or he's simply the world's best salesman - a modern day Del-boy with a penchant for job-stoppers.

The fact that more than three dozen women are wandering Staffordhire with this man's name tattooed somewhere on their body has got me in a right state. Just who are they? What makes them tick? How do they spend their days? Which toothpaste do they prefer?

The questions are plenty yet, sadly, the answers are few. So, in the interest of understanding the trials, tribulations and joys of living with Wibbo's name eternally stamped on your face, I've tried to imagine how some of them may feel:

Wibbo Lady #1: "Actually, you know, not a morning passes by when I don't look in the mirror and think to myself, 'this was an amazing idea'. I mean, Ryan is a really nervous guy, I'd hate for him to go around worrying about other guys hitting on me and all that jazz. It just wouldn't be fair, would it? Luckily, and mostly because of the tattoo, I'm not really allowed into nightclubs anymore so he really has nothing to be worried about. I'm super happy about the font, too. Originally, I'd considered comic sans, just to, you know, be wacky. But so glad I didn't. It would've been tooooo much, lol."

Kourtney and her man. Credit: Facebook

Wibbo Lady #2: "Christ alive, what was I smoking when I agreed to this? Growing up, my mum always said do NOT get a man's name tattooed slap-bang in the middle of your face and what have I bloody gone and done? Got bleedin' Wibbo's name on there. Was at Greggs the other morning trying to order that new, what's it called, katsu bake, and when the woman behind the counter turned around, she had Ryan's name in between her eyebrows. Was so blurry and looked sort of like a blue monobrow. We shared a moment. I really felt as if we connected. Like her eyebrows."

Wibbo Lady #3: "Actually before I got this done, I fronted a genuinely successful Texas tribute band. Slowly but surely, the gigs around Stoke started drying up, though. Nobody could concentrate on the tunes given that fact I had 'WIIIIBBBBOOOO' tattooed about my mouth like a novelty moustache. Not really sure why I agreed to it. I'd initially gone in to get like a little butterfly or that weird S that everybody used to draw at school on my lower back. All of sudden, I was chanting 'wibbo, wibbo, wibbo' and I just got carried away with it."

All jokes aside, what kind person brands someone... Jeez...

Words Ian Moore

Main image credit: Facebook


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Topics: tattoo face