I'm not going to bother wasting my time filling you in on the whole clown craze that's sweeping the world, you already know. Some dunces reckon it's funny to run around scaring kids with masks and knives.
The whole thing most likely started out as some kind of promotion for a film or TV show, but people have jumped on the bandwagon, thinking it's actually a way to spend their time. Just so you know, it's not.
Police have issued warnings regarding the clowns, asking people to stay vigilant. While there has been an arrest made regarding one yute who was scaring children, people are yet to be physically harmed by the premature Halloween pranksters.
However, police have given advice on what to do when witnessing a 'killer clown', and, quite frankly, their tips straddle the border of claptrap and flat out balderdash.
Assistant Chief Constable Catherine Hankinson of Greater Manchester Police told The Sun Online: "It's important to stress that no-one has been physically harmed and I want to reassure people that we take reports of this nature extremely seriously.
"But if you do see any individuals dressed as clowns, you should try and keep calm and report the incident to authorities."
Not being funny, officer, but I'd like to stick my 50p's worth in and give my own advice.
Lads, if you suffer from coulrophobia, which apparently a lot of you do, don't be afraid to stick your willy in between your legs and bail. Run. Run as if you're Forrest Gump running back to Jenny's dorm room to cop one last feel of her boobs.
Another piece of advice, which I feel is probably most important when it comes to the current clowning about, is not to make stupid fake videos. Unfortunately, the only people who genuinely believe that you just happened to be filming an empty stretch of road at the exact moment a clown jumps out are the people who aren't old enough to understand what 'bullshit' actually means. Furthermore, they're the only people who actually think you beat a clown up with a baseball bat that you conveniently always have in your car. And, no, you didn't run them over with your car.
Also, don't be afraid to play the double bluff if you happen to come face-to-face with a clown. If needs be, carry a mask and a fake chainsaw around in a backpack, and if they jump out on you, whack out your props.
I don't suppose a clown has ever considered how they'd react if they were scared by another clown. To be honest, it's a scenario I'd like to see, which I reckon would just end in an exchange of, "Yeah, fair play, mate," and the original clown who'd been trumped just went on his way.
One thing that no one seems to have tried yet is to literally pay no attention to someone dressed like a fool. If you see one, just carry on like it's normal - which it pretty much is now - and wait for them to trundle off looking like the kid who was well up for Halloween but never got invited to any parties.
You obviously can't just beat up a clown, because #ClownLivesMatter. But follow my guide and you should be good.
Featured image credit: NewLine
Featured Image Credit:Topics: Clowns