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Treating Your Mates Differently If They Suffer From Depression Is Bullshit

Treating Your Mates Differently If They Suffer From Depression Is Bullshit

Suicide is the biggest killer of young men.

Josh Teal

Josh Teal

In 2013, the rate of male suicides were at their highest in more than a decade. An inquest showed that 6,233 people took their own lives that year and 78 percent of that total were men. It was an overall rise of four percent in one year.

Now, in 2016, male mental health issues remains endemic. Men aged between under 45 are more likely to die from suicide than anything else.

This has opened up a dialogue on male mental health in a Britain prone to 'man-up' culture and stiff upper lips. These days, talking about our problems to a doctor, a therapist, parent or sibling seems more feasible. But what about to a friend?

Illustration: Adam Menzies

Friends are different, not least in male circles. As the 'privileged' gender, we're brought up to feel as though we shouldn't be able to complain about anything, because we apparently have everything.

Men communicate through humour, and a lot of humour is derived from the misfortune of other men. Therefore, having depressive episodes that go mistaken as moodiness can be sadly subject to ridicule.

I recently reached out to an old friend of mine named Alex*, who had sought treatment for depression two years ago, to see what he thought.

"I don't know how gendered mental health awareness needs to be. Some people are bound to see the mentally ill, male or female, as hysterical or opportunistic or weak, but there are ways to educate them," he told me.

"In terms of gender, I don't know. As far as I'm aware, people don't understand the effect of testosterone versus oestrogen on the emotions of men and women, so there's social stigma against emotional men and unemotional women. To me, that feels like a separate issue, and people are probably working on that.

"Mental health is about more than just emotions, however, so I think we should be careful not to tie together problems from other fields just because they sound similar. Any stigma towards mental health is gender neutral, in my experience.

"That isn't to say that mental health 'problems' aren't often gender specific. Issues arising from sexual trauma, for example, will have very different effects on men and women, because the nature of sexuality is different between genders. When it comes to the specifics of what caused a mental illness, maybe there is some stigma. That's when the gender studies shit comes into play. In terms of the conditions themselves, I haven't noticed any difference in treatment between men and women saying they have depression, anxiety and so on."

Prior to learning about his troubles, I'd never paused for thought about tell-tale signs I maybe could have picked up on retrospectively. And when I did learn of them, I remember scheduling a meet-up almost straight away. If not because it felt right, but because I didn't know what else to do.

I expected to see a gaunt, jaded figure appear that day, instead of just a regular person, which he was. A regular person who'd been having a rough time in the way someone with a chest infection might have.

"On treating friends differently, there's a right way and a wrong way to do it. Walking on eggshells, censoring yourself out of fear of offence, changing yourself - that's the wrong way.

"The right way is how you would deal with anything else, whether it's by cracking jokes, asking questions, or ignoring it entirely. There is no right way, I suppose."

Adam Menzies
Adam Menzies

Illustration: Adam Menzies

Has he experienced other friends acting differently around him? "Most people are fine with it, but maybe I just run in the right circles."

Alex has a mixture of depression, social anxiety and PTSD. His treatment has been self-managed and aided by cognitive behavioural therapy. He's highly aware of what he is and isn't comfortable with. And if he does specifically tell you he's not comfortable with something, then it's "due to a change."

Personal space, for example, is an issue. He said: "I don't like physical contact. If someone hugs me or something, I'll let them know. If they forget, it's not a massive deal. But if my demeanour changes, they should at least understand that it's because of my illness and not because of them.

"If people start assuming responsibility for every little thing in their interactions with me, it means they're going to walk on eggshells, it means they're going to be afraid of offending me or triggering me. It means I become more alienated.

"So when I say there's a right way to change, I'm really talking about a change of awareness. If your friend has the flu and is a bit moody with you or doesn't want to go out, you understand that your friend has the flu. You don't blame yourself or put pressure on them. You don't change your personality around them.

"Maybe you'll bring them a Lemsip and some soup, and you'll go out yourself anyway. Why should it be different if they're going through a depressive episode?

"If I had the flu and my friend brought me a Lemsip and some soup, I'd think he or she was a legend. But I don't expect it, and I certainly wouldn't think less of a person who 'got it wrong', short of them genuinely being an arsehole."

Saying this, Alex does clarify that an episode is much worse than the flu; that it's easy to forget severe depression is often terminal.

"The point is about people's response to illness, specifically that there's a difference between changing your awareness and changing your personality."

As for manning-up and stigmas surrounding the topic, he doesn't really buy into it. In fact, he feels more attracted to the idea of not talking that much, insofar as maintaining a normal approach and not feigning concern to a hysterical extent.

"I don't think that's [masculinity] specific to mental health either. Personally, I'm more comfortable talking to men about my health. There's an implicit sort of agreement in their banter - like, 'I get it, let's get on with it'. Women either want to fix things or they start with the whataboutery. The same is probably true of women speaking to men about it.

"Gender aside, I don't think friends are equipped for you to open up fully. That's what a therapist or Internet forums are for.

"There's a difference between saying, 'I have depression' and telling people the specifics of what's going on in your head. One is just conveying information. The other is unloading. I've done both - with mixed results."

For more information go to the Mental Health Foundation website.

Be brave. Talk about it.

'U OK M8?' is an initiative from TheLADbible in partnership with a range of mental health charities which will feature a series of films and stories to raise awareness of mental health.

Explore more here and don't suffer in silence. Reach out. It's the brave thing to do.

MIND: 0300 123 3393.

Samaritans: 116 123.

CALM: Outside London 0808 802 5858, inside London 0800 58 58 58.

Mental Health Foundation.

At TheLADbible we're trying to gather the biggest picture of mental health for young people and we're working with a range of charities so that our findings can help them. Filling in this poll will help us find out the extent of the problem.

Illustrations by danwilson1982

Featured Image Credit:

Topics: Mental Health, Depression